Modern Widow’s Club: Love Always

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LOVE, ALWAYS was a Modern Widows Club fundraising event held at
East End Market (3201 Corrine Dr, Orlando, Florida 32803). The evening was a celebration of living a life full of love, always, all ways! I sketched the photo opportunity in the corner of the room where women in crowns could have their picture taken in front of the giant heart.

International Widows Day will be on June 23, 2018. Carolyn Caple Moor who founded the Modern Widows Club is raising money to help empower women who are often overlooked when their partner dies in our society.

Carolyn introduced herself to Isabella and Megan, both in their 20’s. 
They didn’t understand what the Modern Widow’s Club was, and said “Whaat?“. She said “It’s a nonprofit that
empowers a lot of young (and older) widows to thrive”. “Do you know what a widow is?” Carolyn asked, and they both said “Yes, a woman whose
husband has died”. she agreed and said “It can be a woman whose lost a
wife too”. They agreed.

Then, she said “Which of these ladies on this board do you think is the widow?” and they both really took their
time looking at each one. They both selected the older widows “Mary,
Mary and Bonnie”. I asked them why they selected those ladies and they
said “Because they look like grandmothers and a lot of grandmothers I
think would be widows”.

They are right. Of the 14 million
American widows, 66% are over 65 years old and may or may not be retired, but
34% are younger and under age 65. The average age is 59. Carolyn became a widow at age 37 and that her daughter Mackensey Moor
was only 4 years old when she lost her father.

That’s when
Isabella’s face completely changed because she realized that someone her
mom’s age could have become widowed and all widows are not grandmothers
like she thought. When Carolyn told her that every woman on the page was a
widow, she was quite shocked.

Thankfully, these two young ladies are now aware that as women,
education and information is so valuable. Megan said “Yeah, I would want
to know this if I was married and could prepare if anything happened”.
Right, because 70% of all wives will experience widowhood at some
point! We don’t know if it will be us or when. Let’s prepare this generation better than our own.

The first Modern Widows Club Conference in Orlando.

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Carolyn Moor founded the Modern Widows Club six years ago in Orlando Florida. It has since expanded to have chapters in 15 other states. On June 12, 2016, Carolyn was in Seattle making plans for the first Modern Woman’s Club Conference. Because of the horrific Pulse nightclub shooting it was unanimously decided to have the first Conference in Orlando Florida. The hash tags were #WidowsStrong and #OrlandoStrong.

The theme of the conference was “Always wear your invisible crown.” There is the biblical connotation to that symbolism but also a playful sense of empowerment. Every woman who attended got a t-shirt with a crown that looked like it was made from upside down tear drops. At the first luncheon in this room, they were all given crowns. This was something of a social experiment in that women who wore the crowns were further along in the grief process and able to receive love. As the conference went on and everyone opened up more, all the ladies wore them. This tradition started at the second Modern Widows Club meeting at Carolyn’s home. She had a friend who worked in the Disney costuming show and she asked to borrow one of the big Cinderella crowns worn at the big Disney parades. It was heavy. One of the ladies at the meeting had basically not left her house for five years. She saw no future for herself. Carolyn told the group that she could prove to them that they still have joy in you. They couldn’t see it because of the devastating grief. She brought out the huge crown and everyone lit up with excitement. They each picked one and looked at themselves in the mirror. One of the ladies turned around and said, “You tricked us.” Carolyn said, “No, I just showed you what was already there.” All the crowns were symbols for the trials and tribulations of various sizes.

One of the hotel staff was seen leaning against the wall watching the widows crowning each other at the luncheon at the conference. Carolyn met her after everyone has left. The staffer said she was surprised that she had been assigned to work this conference. She had no idea what to expect and she welled up multiple times and had to go back to the kitchen to dry her eyes. She had lost her husband three years ago. She told Carolyn that she was overwhelmed by what she saw happening in the room. Carolyn said that the woman deserved a crown as well, but all the crowns had been handed out. Just then her assistant walked up and said, “I have one more crown let over. What should I do with it?”  Carolyn showed me the picture of the two of then hugging and beaming. That woman is going to the next Modern Widows Club meeting at Carolyn’s home.

Modern Widow’s Club

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Carolyn Caple Moor founded the Modern Widows Club that has met every third Thursday for the past 29 months at her Orlando home. Carolyn lost her husband Chad Moor on Valentines Day in 2000 in a hit and run auto accident as they drove home from diner. I saw one of Chad’s original sketches of a horse on display in the home when I first entered. He was a gifted artist. There are 11.4 million widows in this country and 3.5 million of those women are under 65. Carolyn finds strength and hope as she reaches out to help others. She shares inspiration and mentors every woman who enters her home. These meetings are a safe place where incredibly honest conversations blossom.

A fire was setup in the fire pit on the back patio as dusk settled in. There was plenty of food and drink inside and everyone mingled through the social hour. I poured a white wine and settled in to sketch outside. The fire started to fade, but Carolyn’s daughter, Mackensey Moor used some dry palm husks as kindling to reignite the blaze. I got to learn about her camping experiences in Colorado where she earned a patch as an expert fire starter. I used this time to pencil in the perspective. As women came out, I quickly placed them in the sketch. The wind kept blowing the fire’s smoke and ashes my way, so by the end of the night I smelled like a Phoenix rising from the ashes.

Mackensey was busy setting up a Skype session on her laptop with  Becky Aikman the NYC Author of  ‘Saturday Night Widows‘. Martha Curtis-Garry skyped in via Rome, Italy at 2am her time and actually talked to Becky from iPhone to laptop. It is so amazing how digital tools are changing the way we communicate. Carolyn panned the laptop around so Becky could see everyone in attendance. Becky complimented everyone’s shoes since that is what she saw on her end of the digital divide. Becky’s book was about her journey along with six friends after they were all widowed. She went to a widow’s group and some psychologist was wallowing in negativity while outlining the five stages of grief.  Becky doesn’t believe in set steps to grief, everyone is different. She suggested the group might want to focus on some more positive viewpoints and after the meeting, the head of the group told her she wasn’t welcome back. This was an all time low for her, being kicked out of a support group. As a journalist, she decided to form her own group and each of the members knew their stories would become part of a book she was writing. One of the participants said she felt naked, but brave. Another Widows meeting in NYC involved a lingerie sample party where everyone got to try on their favorite frilly outfits. Why hadn’t I been invited to sketch that meeting?!

Becky mentioned one joint meeting where the widows club met with a widowers club in NYC and then the conversation turned to how men are different from women. I think they forgot there was one man sketching in the shadows. A woman might feel guilt if she dated soon after her husband’s death, but men can compartmentalize their emotions. They might truly love the wife that they lost, but there was no guilt in getting back out and dating. Men envy the strong binding friendships that women have. Men’s conversations seldom venture and deeper than sports along with one word grunts. The group of women in NYC were fairly affluent, but the conversation in Florida turned to women who have to give up their homes and scrape by when their husband’s income is no longer available. Insurance money is only a short term fix for a lifetime to come. Widows seem to be invisible in many societies.

The atmosphere of the meeting I was sketching felt warm and supportive. After the Skype session conversations returned to warm often funny memories. One woman related the fun and playful game of trying to beat her husband to the TV remote. I realized she wasn’t talking in the past tense. Memories shared are very much alive and in the moment. Another woman related that her husband used to watch so many Crime Scene Investigation shows, that she thought he might be plotting to kill her without leaving evidence. Laughter erupted frequently as stories were shared. One woman had been to the “Love” themed Pecha Kucha” event that Carolyn and I had been presenters for. Based on the talks she heard that evening, she decided to sign up on OK Cupid an online dating sight. She glowed as she showed me an iPhone photo of the handsome guy she is now dating.

After the meeting I sat in the living room chatting with Carolyn and Mackensey. I had been sitting silently sketching all night and was a bit hungry for conversation. When Carolyn’s other daughter Meagan walked in with her freshly showered hair, I realized I might have over stayed my welcome. I was surprised that I was the last to leave. Vicki Garcia had left white Easter Lillies for everyone to take home. Carolyn gave me some lilies as I left with instructions to cut the stems before putting them in a vase.  I handed the lilies to Terry when I got home. She asked where I got them, and I told her. “You could have lied you know, I would have believed you.” Darn, men can be so stupid sometimes. This morning one white bloom opened to the sunlight, a symbol of hope and resurrection.