Memorial for Mary Hill

On November 11th, I got a cryptic call from Elizabeth Cohen, a friend of Mary Hill‘s. Elizabeth asked if I could call her back. She said, “I don’t know if you’ve heard news of Mary lately.” The message left me uneasy and it took a while to call back. When I did call, Elizabeth let me know that Mary had decided to follow Berto Ortega by taking her own life. I went numb. For the rest of the day I searched the Internet for an obituary or any news of Mary. This couldn’t be true.

A memorial was held for Mary on November 16th at Metro Life Church (910 Winter Park Drive Casselberry FL).  Mary often spoke of Pastor Steve Horrell so it was appropriate that he officiated. The lobby of the church was crowded with the bright colors and activity of an arts and crafts fair.  This was the type of small community event that Mary would have liked. Life went on.

At the front of the service hall, paintings of Mary done by Berto were on display. Elizabeth had arranged a board in the back of the hall with many of my sketches. I had sketched Mary and her mom 13 different times. Pastor Steve related stories of Mary’s amazing ability to open herself to people and help them heal. He recited lyrics from “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?” It is true that Mary was often a clown and always behind schedule. She also changed everyone she met and no one was ever a stranger to her. That is what made her decision so confounding. The only memories of Mary’s life came from those that met her.

More people showed up than expected, and church staff rushed to get more service brochures xeroxed and folding chairs set in place. One of Mary’s brothers was stuck in traffic twenty minutes late. People from all aspects of Mary’s life got up to speak. One man with throat cancer related that he loved Mary like a daughter. It turned out that Mary did leave a suicide note. She said that no one should feel guilty for what she did. It was a decision between her and god. Those kind words however do not ease my guilt. I didn’t speak to Mary after seeing her in Berto’s studio. Crazy deadlines distracted me. I wasn’t much of a friend or comfort when she needed it.  Her friend Elizabeth did take Mary in, letting her stay in her house for two weeks after Berto’s funeral.  Mary’s mood spiraled down. Elizabeth gave Mary a comforting massage on the last day of her stay and then Mary went back to her Winter Park home alone. Labels were pealed off of prescription bottles. She slipped gently away to find her god’s eternal love. The next day friends went to Mary’s house but she wouldn’t answer the door. Police found Mary’s body and investigated the scene.  Her dog, was adopted by Pastor Steve.

Mary had  survived the wreckage of a violent childhood and had just begun her own business. She had so much faith, so her decision to end her life makes no sense. Anger and confusion muffled the services prayers and commendations. The monotone group recitation of written prayers wasn’t comforting. Not once during the service was suicide mentioned. I approached Mary’s neighbor and she simply said “Not now.” Her eyed were red and streaming. Afterwards people mingled and shared more stories.  I stared at photos of Mary smiling on more time, finally realizing I would never see her again. Terry and I slipped quietly away.

A Place to Meet

 by Mary J. Hill 

2005

Meet me…in the stillness of my touch

Allow me to feel your pain, it won’t hurt quite as much.

Meet me…in the safety of my soul

Tell me your stories, the ones you’ve dared, but never told.

Meet me…in the solitude of my heart

Lay down your sorrow, welcome healing’s start.

Meet me…in the center of the earth

Surrender to its wisdom, awaken to your rebirth

Meet me…far beyond the ageless universe

Bask in love’s perfection; nothing’s better, nothing’s worse.

Meet me when you’re willing, meet me when you can

It’s there I’ll give my best to you – my mind, my heart, my hands.

Mary Hill

I first met Mary Hill in 2009 at a writing workshop called, “Writing Your Life“. It was August 9th, Mary’s birthday, and she treated herself to learn something new. Mary was late to the workshop, so she didn’t end up in my sketch that day. After the workshop, we talked in the hallway for some time. She had studied healing and psychology in California. She returned to Orlando to take care of her mother who was bed ridden with fibrosis and other aliments.  Mary ultimately gave up five years of her life to take care of her mother. I visited the Hill house and sketched Margaret Hill. At the time my own step-mom had cancer and she had to be put in a retirement home. I respected Mary for the care she gave to her mom. I returned to the Hill residence multiple times, feeling privileged to get to know both Mary and her mom.

On one visit, Margaret’s breathing grew shallow and panicked. She was moved to her bed where Mary placed her hand above her mother’s chest and prayed. She would take the negative energy and then exhale it into the corner of the room. Within minutes Margaret was fine and she fell fast asleep.  This was a spiritual form of heeling I had never seen before. If I hadn’t seen it first hand, I wouldn’t have believed it. Mary felt something flow through her when she did this and she knew it was god’s healing touch that she helped manifest. Mary probably had the most faith of anyone I have ever met. At times she expressed feeling closer to god in her prayers and meditation than she did in the harsh grind of everyday existence. Angels often appeared in the art created by Mary.

We decided to collaborate on a project called “LifeSketch.” Mary would interview residents of a retirement home while I sketched. Interviewing people in their golden years was incredibly rewarding since stories and lessons learned over a lifetime often seemed to profoundly reflect what what was happening today. Mary had a natural way of getting people to open up to her which resulted in very enlightening interviews. Mary would condense the interview into one page of precise heart felt copy. That article would then be matted and framed beside my sketch and presented to client. Often multiple copies would be made for children and grand children.

When her mom died, Mary comforted everyone else at the funeral.  It was only after her mothers ashes in a cylinder were lowered into a shallow hole at Woodlawn, that Mary’s knees gave way, and grief enveloped her. She always wanted to care for others and after her mother’s death she got a state license and opened her own healing massage office. I was sure that through word of mouth, that business would grow and thrive.

Mary always knew how to make me laugh. She also knew how to listen and accept tears. I grew up in a Methodist family that hid all emotion, so it was surprising to see how she left nothing checked when she experienced the lows and highs of grief and humor. I felt that openly expressing sorrow was a sign of weakness, but she let the full spectrum of emotion wash over her.

I remember talking to her shortly after she broke up with her boyfriend, Berto Ortega. The relationship was on and off. Though separated, they still talked often. She said that she could go anywhere and do anything now that she was completely on her own.  I had assumed she would travel to an exotic country to do missionary work after her mom died.

Berto was a talented plein air painter. After they broke up, he took a trip in his truck to the Grand Tetons where he did several paintings and then shot himself. He left quite a few suicide notes for friends and clients but he didn’t leave a note for Mary. Only now can I begin to imagine the sense of grief and guilt she must have felt.

As I was sketching in Berto’s studio at FAVO, Mary came in with several paintings that Berto had left with her. She leaned over and read with some interest a suicide note full of thanks and appreciation Berto had left with Will Benton. Mary hugged me and I asked her, “Are you OK?” She replied quite simply, “No, Pray for Berto’s relatives and pray for me.” That was the last thing she said to me. She left the studio and was gone.

Berto Ortega Studio

On August 2nd,  I visited the studio of Berto Ortega at Faith Arts Village Orlando (FAVO) at (221 E. Colonial Dr., Orlando, Florida).  We had a long talk about blogging and marketing artwork by using social media. Berto is the one artist who uses the studio in the former motel full time. Most other artists just come to the market once a month to sell their work and then leave that same night. This was also the one room where the air conditioner worked making it a studio that you would want to linger in since the other studios didn’t have air conditioning. He invited me to sketch from inside his studio but I decided to sketch from the balcony outside.

Berto asked friends what was the most beautiful place that they had ever painted. There was some agreement that the Grand Tetons out in Wyoming were gorgeous.  After finishing several painting commissions, he put notes on the paintings, left wet paint on the palette, packed supplies in his pickup truck and headed west to the Grand Tetons.  He did several paintings of the majestic mountain range when he got there. I once bicycled through the Grand Tetons. On that trip I decided to throw away the sketchbook I had at the time feeling ill suited as a student fresh out of art school to capture such beauty.

A September 10th a Jackson Hole newspaper reported, “Grand Teton National Park rangers discovered the body of a 55 year-old
Winter Park, Florida man Monday morning.  Alberto Ortega’s body was
discovered at Windy Point turnout on the Teton Park Road; apparently the
victim of a self-inflicted gunshot to his head. Rangers are conducting
an investigation into what appears to be a suicide and an isolated
event.  Park Spokesperson Jackie Skaggs says rangers responded at 6:15
am Monday September 9th to a 911 call from passersby when they came upon the
unconscious man lying on the ground next to his Toyota pickup truck.
Upon arrival, rangers found Ortega already deceased from a head wound
and a semi-automatic pistol next to his body. A note left by Ortega was
also located at the scene.”

This is the second time I have had to report on an Orlando artist taking their own life. This news was gut wrenching since Berto is an artist whose art I admired. Will Benton who runs FAVO allowed me to sketch the artist’s studio. A rough cross which was painted white with artist brushes, vines and a tear shaped jewel was mounted on the studio door. Inside, his paintings filled the walls. One painting of a small skiff or life boat pitched in the high seas. In the distance a sign of hope, a large schooner was shrouded in orange ocher mist.

A large portrait was left for Will Benton. It was a portrait of a man that once saved Berto’s life. He and a woman were working in a store which was held up by an armed gunman. The husband of the woman grew worried when she didn’t return home. He went to the store and managed to save Berto and the woman’s life. It is a large painting, stoic and resolved. A note written by Berto was taped to the back of the painting. “Will, to say I’m sorry for all this is furtive, but I’ll say it anyway. There have been few people who have extended themselves to me like you have, and I really like you like a brother for that. I can’t say enough how I have always appreciated you.” I searched the rest of the note, hoping to find some hint of WHY? There were no signs to explain the tragedy. All that remains is an emptiness. A lone chair sat in the corner of the once active artist’s studio.

“When I have a terrible need of – shall I say the word – religion. Then I go out and paint the stars.”

– Vincent Van Gogh